So, uh, I guess I'm feeling less charitable than usual... I apologise in advance to fans of this book and to the author.
This book is fucking terrible.
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| Above: A book not worth a witty comment |
Are you familiar with the term "torture porn"? It was a criticism aimed at some big horror movies in that early 2000s that were allegedly hyper fixated on graphic gore and violence at the expense of the usual marks of film quality like plot, script, character, and theme. In the 20th century, horror fans referred to films like this as Splatterpunk, and they were generally a niche indie market that, yeah, were mostly about the gore and violence. But where as Splatterpunk acknowledges the genre as an art - or counter-art - in its own right, torture porn was intended pejoratively against both the films under its umbrella and the people who enjoyed them. They're not art, goes the allegation, nor are they entertainment in any reasonable sense of the word. They are merely graphic displays intended to titillate the basest urges of their audience. Film goers might see a horror film, but sickos get off on torture porn.
And, largely, it's a lot of crap. A bunch of the movies lumped into this genre, that were apparently so gut churning as to be unfit for consumption, according to these critics, are frankly laughable to anybody who has seen the classics of Mondo and Splatterpunk cinema. And look, I didn't particular care for 'Hostel' either - I don't know why you'd enjoy it, and there really wasn't much to the film other than flimsy, xenophobic justification for torture scenes.
Sometimes you gotta wonder if torture porn isn't a legitimate name, if not a legitimate criticism. It's not my trash, but if it's yours, whatever.
What does all this have to do with Goosebumps #16 'One Day at Horrorland'?
This book is basically torture porn for kids.
And I'd like to thank you all for coming along to my blog. Now that I've typed those words, I expect the AFP will be shutting me down in the next few days.
Okay.
So the plot of this book is that a family gets lost on their way to one amusement park and stumble upon a different amusement park called Horrorland. A theme park full of spooky monster mascots and spooky themed rides. At first, it sounds awesome. That's the kind of theme I'd love for a theme park near me. Except this theme park is TOO SPOOKY.
The family's car blows up (literally) when they arrive, and while the parents try to figure out how to get home, their children Luke and Lizzy, and Luke's friend Clay, explore the park and go on some rides. And all the rides are spooooooooky! And they are surrounded by spooky signs warning them of doom! And that there's no escape! And every ride goes for too long, and gets creepier and spookier as they go, and then it seems like the ride is going to kill them, except it doesn't! And then Lizzy and Clay talk about how scary it was, and Luke laughs about how fun it was, and Lizzy gets made that Luke is acting so brave and excited when he was clearly scared at the time, too.
And then you repeat that seventeen million fucking times and you have this book.
And it turns out the monsters at Horrorland are real monsters! And the chance of death is real! And nobody escapes! Except they do! But maybe they don't! Spooky scary ambiguous ending!
So I had a few ideas for this blog and how to make it more entertaining and interesting.
But fuck that.
This book isn't worth the effort. Frankly, I'm annoyed that I thought I might just put in the effort to read another book and write another blog, despite how awful I'm feeling, despite how much I'd rather crawl into a hole and hide away for the rest of my life, and my reward for trying is this shit.
It could have been another "Stay Out of The Basement" - a book which I love, and will praise eternally, and which genuinely rocks all manner of socks off, but instead it's another monster blood. Terrible under-baked characters, repetitive scenes, painfully contrived set ups, zero pay off. The only nice thing I can say is R.L Stine didn't try to be funny.
And you know what the worst part is?
All through this fucking book the characters talk about a section of Horrorland called Werewolf village. Do they pass through Werewolf village? Yes. Do they hear howls? Yes. Is there a single fucking scene with a single damned werewolf in this whole arsing book? No.
Fucking cock tease, I tell you.
'Werewolf of Fever Swamp' kind of slipped through the cracks of my memory, but while the individual beats of the plot don't stand out in my mind, I definitely remember enjoying it and being glad to read a cool story about werewolves, because werewolves are fucking awesome. There should be more books about werewolves. And movies. And while we're at it, the world should also just have more werewolves.
'One Day at Horrorland' couldn't even get that right.
So it goes straight in the garbage with 'Monster Blood', lest it sully the good name Goosebumps earned through excellent books like 'Stay Out of The Basement' and 'Let's Get Invisible.' I'll probably keep reading so I can chase those 'Goosebumps' highs - I know RL Stine has got it in him. Everybody has their bad days and the stories that just don't work out, but I swear, the quality of this series is more bi-polar than I am.
