I Am A Pineapple

It's true. I bet you didn't know it, but it's true. I am a pineapple. I'm tough and I'm prickly on the outside - but it's only a thin layer. That said, on the inside I'm not much softer but I am very sweet.

Alternatively, one might also say I have the spirit of a reclusive, crotchety old man. I'm the guy who sits out on his porch in his rocking chair, listening to the grainy sound of his old wireless and enjoying the afternoon sun. But you put one foot on my lawn, you damn kids, and you'll hear about it! And turn that damn rap music off! You know back in my day... Huh? A point? Hold on.

Let me finish painting this picture. One one side of my rocking chair is a table with my old timey radio and a perspiring glass of fresh lemonade. On the floor, by my feet, is a stack of books. Yes sir, I never much cared for the television once they stopped showing the Bing Crosby programme but I sure do love books. And I've got so many books to read, old and new. Some in my pile are books by authors I love, some are old favourites I want to revisit and some are books by authors I don't know but their book sounded interesting. One thing is for sure, though, that pile of books keeps growing faster than I can read it.

And you, sir, your book is in my pile. It could be three books down, it could be the next book, it could be at the bottom for now but I guarantee you it is there and I will get to it. Feeling special? Don't. I'm a grouchy old man and I'm short on time. If you're an author I love, then I'll cut you a lot of slack. I'll forgive you a lot of mistakes and keep giving you chances. But I doubt you're Stephen King or Jim Butcher. You and me? We don't have a track record you can rely on.

No, sir, what you've got to rely on is page one. Or rather, if I'm in a good mood, you're writing a genre I like and I'm desperate then you've got page one and maybe page two. But that doesn't happen often. If I'm in a bad mood, you've got one sentence to impress me. Most of the time, you can rely on my attention for one paragraph. That right there is your free pass. You want me to read your story? You want me to throw down the cash and buy the book? Then you better hook me with that first paragraph. Shit better be happening, son, because your book might be standing between me and rereading The Mysterious Stranger for the seven hundredth time. You probably can't be better than Mark Twain but you can be engaging enough to distract me from Mark Twain.

That right there is the secret, kids. You don't have to be the best, you don't even have to be perfect, you just have to make me interested. And that shouldn't be hard! I've already picked up your book. The cover caught my eye, the blurb sounded interesting and now all you have to do is make that first page work. And it's not just me, either. Your audience is full of people like me. Or it might be an agent or an editor with a big stack of manuscripts competing for their attention.

Say it with me, now: Page one. Stuff happens, questions are asked, the story hits the ground running. A character says "This was a stupid idea" and now I want to know what was a stupid idea. The building explodes and rains glass down on the streets below and I want to know what caused it.

I can and probably will write a lot more on opening a story but this isn't the place for that. What you need to take away from this right now is simple: I have a lot of other stuff I could be doing, your book needs to make me forget about that stuff from the very first page. Chapter 1 is not a promise of things happening later, Chapter 1 is things happening with a promise of more stuff happening later.

But buck up, champ, because the good news is that I (like a lot of readers) am a pineapple. If you can crack the shell, then you'll find me a devoted reader. Grab me, hook me, suck me in and I'll stay willingly. Alright, the duct tape on these metaphors is starting to show. I'm going to scram before it gets any more confusing.

Your Writing Task For Today

I have a job for you. I want you, as a writer, to experiment. I want you to do something new. I say a lot of things on this here blog, I give lots of tips and explain a lot of ideas in the craft of writing. But something I should probably stress a little more is the need for you, Mr Write-Pants, to break free from time to time. Do something different. Leave your comfort zone. Go crazy. No, not that crazy. Put the chickens down.

Okay. So here's an exercise for you. It'll only take you five minutes. Go for longer if you like but at least go for five minutes. Alright. Now get your pen and paper or open up your word processor and start a new file. Now write. There are two rules.

Don't think, just write. Some folks call it stream of consciousness. Some folks call it free association. It doesn't matter, just start writing. Don't think about plot or character or setting. Just start hitting the keys and making words. Your five minutes begins from the last letter of the first word.

The other rule is you are not allowed to use a copula. That means no "to be" verbs. No is, was, be, will be, am and so on. You've got to make your sentences with all those verbs that create actual movement.

That's it. Those are the conditions. Have a shot. Post it on dA, or not. I'll do it to and post it in scraps or something. Remember this isn't about creating art, this is about flexing the writer muscle. This is about doing things differently. This is about broadening your horizons. The point isn't write well or write poorly, the point is to write differently.

(I did do it myself. It can be seen here. Due to strong language, only dA members can view it, however.)

Soap Box: Climate Change

Alright, so you and I are in a room. A small, empty room. It's a room with only one way in and out but to get out you have to pay a toll. It's not cheap so you really have to want to get out.

So you're standing there at one corner of the room, beside the toll booth and the door and I'm over here in the opposite corner. And I have a machete. A big machete I'm going to use to hack your leg off. It's going to be painful. You're going to be crippled. There's nothing you can do to stop me or slow me down. I'm coming and your leg is mine. The only thing you can do is pay to leave the room.

But then you start to think maybe I don't have a machete after all. Sure it looks like I have one and I've told you I have one but maybe it's an illusion. Or worse, maybe it's a scam between me and the toll booth guy. Or maybe the machete is blunt. It looks a bit rusty, after all. Yeah, that must be it. It's a real machete and I am coming for you but at most it'll be a little inconvenient or leave a small bruise.

On the other hand you might be wrong. And if you are wrong, you save some money but you've lost your leg. Your leg is gone and you are never getting it back. Assuming you don't die a painful and agonising death from having your leg hacked off, you've got to drag yourself to the hospital. Bad news is, as I said, this is an empty room. There's a hospital that might be able to save you outside the room but you've got to pay to get through that toll booth.

Oh yeah, and it's not a free medical service, either. You want to live, you've got to pay. So now you're not just paying the toll to get out of the room, you're paying a whole lot more for life saving treatment because I just hacked your leg off. And there's no guarantee you live. It could well be all over for you even when you get to the hospital, no matter how much you spend.

Alright. But as we've said, it might not come to that. Maybe you feel lucky. Maybe you want to play the odds. I'm afraid I got some bad news for you. Remember how I said the room was small? Well it used to be bigger. Seventy years ago it was a pretty big room but it's been getting small. It's going to keep shrinking, too. Even if I don't actually hurt you, you are going to have to pay to get out of this room eventually because it's only a matter of time before you don't fit in here, anyway.

You're going to have to leave the room eventually. You're going to have to pay the toll. Not paying that toll isn't an option. You do it now or you do it later. So do you want to pay it now or is this room really worth wagering your money on? How about your life?

Time Is A Beast That Must Be Tamed

It's November. November means, for many people, NaNoWriMo. Not for me. I've never done NaNoWriMo. I'm not interested. I've got other stuff I'm doing, I don't need a month to tell me to write fast and write often. I don't need a month to tell me to work on a project. I'm covered. Thanks but no thanks.

Others, however, really get into it. Good for them. I can see why. But what I really like about NaNoWriMo is that they chose November specifically because it is a busy time of year for a lot of people. The closer you get to the end of the year, the more things pile up in life, at work, at school. It can be hard to find that time.

Which brings us to something I hear all year, but especially around November. "I don't have time to write." or "I just can't find the time." I sympathise, I do. I've been a bit time short this year, too. I've had all kinds of time-sucking black holes open up and stealing what used to be prime writing real estate on my clock. Damn.

But let me share a few things with you about my life. Sometimes I have to travel for my job. On any given day it's different and I might have to spend anywhere from thirty minutes to two hours on a train to get where I need to be. I love those two hour train rides. That, friends, is great time for writing. Sure I could watch some movies on my phone, listen to music or read a book but I stash my laptop in my bag and I use that time to write.

Lunch times. I get about 45 minutes for lunch on a standard day. That's writing time.

I've usually got other commitments in the evenings. Two or three nights a week I practise martial arts so that my brain does not rot. One night a week I've got a gaming group I'm a part of. Great fun. Writing is important but so are these. I set aside time for these things and I'm sure you've got hobbies and friends you do and see (respectively) regularly.

At various times in recent history I've had the opportunity to be a part of another gaming group, learn to play an instrument, pick up another language and be a part of various other activities and groups that would have been fun. But in the end I decided not to. I love playing video games but I rarely finish them and I'm usually a good six months behind in what anyone else is playing. I love movies and I love going to the cinema but I usually only see a handful of films a year. There's a lot more I'd like to see, I just don't.

 You might ask why. Why deprive myself of these things?

Because it was cutting into writing time. I made the decision what was important and what wasn't and whenever I do that, writing usually wins.

If you're struggling to find time, you're doing something wrong. But relax, because I can tell you what it is. Your problem is you're trying to find time. If you want time to write, MAKE time. You look at your schedule and you gut it of all the things that are getting in your way. Find out how important writing is to you and anything that's below it goes under the axe.

I'll say it again. You don't find time to write, you make time to write.

Or you stop complaining. If being the top Call of Duty Deathmatch player in town is more important than writing then you've got no problems. You've got all the time to write that you need.

Okay. Now before you get carried away, let me make a few things clear. You NEED time for other things, too. You need time to do some kind of exercise. Your body needs to be healthy to function so get up and do some yoga or something. You also need other people. How much time you need to be with other people so you don't go insane is up to you. I, personally, don't need much. I get more than enough between my martial arts classes and my gaming group. But you need to be around friends. Not only does it keep you sane, you learn how to write people by being around people. You also need at least one other hobby. Bonus points if it is creative. Bonus point if it puts you around other people. But something that you enjoy that isn't writing.

There's a lot of hours in the day. Don't tell me you don't have time to write every one of those days. You do have time, you're just spending it on something else. There are times when you genuinely do not have time to write. That's okay too. It will happen. "Write every day" is a bullshit rule. But write often. As often as you need (note I did not say want) to so you can reach you goals.

You don't FIND time to write. You MAKE time to write.

Carl On The Air Again

A little while ago the Winter City writing team were invited to be guests on the podcast Behind The Panels. Now you can listen to us talk about making comics.

http://behindthepanels.net/behind-the-panels-issue-74-winter-city/

The World According to Deviant Art: Literature Edition

Deviant Art is a website for artists. Artists of all kinds: Writers, painters, photographers, etc. I have been a member for many years now and for slightly less time, I have been an active voice in the writing community. I like Deviant Art but like any community it has evolved its own unique culture. Every now and then I like list my observations about that culture.

A few years ago, in my first entry on The World According to dA, I said that nothing interesting ever happens in the forums. This is still largely true. The differences these days is my grip on my sanity is much weaker and so I actually spend more time than any man should on dA's literature forum. And much like the rest of dA, I've noticed certain trends. There are things in the literature community which are true. This is just how it is. This is how things are done, how they have always been done and how they will always be done. I'd like to explore some of these with you now.

1. Don't write until you have permission. You might think your idea is good but you won't know how good it is or if your story will be good until you ask strangers on the Internet if they think it will be good. Whatever you do, put off starting any new project until you've got the go ahead from a handful of literature forumites.

2. On second thought, don't write stories at all. Stories don't matter. Nobody wants plot. Just write characters and settings. All anyone wants in a book is some expansive world-building and characters with long, dramatic histories. Remember those chapters in Moby Dick where Melville just writes about the history of Nantucket and he describes the officers on the Pequod? The whole book should have been that. Only more detail, like what their blood type and favourite food.

3. Stickies are for chumps.

4. Everything is personal. That's why you have to keep reminding anyone you talk to that your disagreement is not a personal attack - even when it is. Because there is no way you can have a debate, a discussion or even a small disagreement without it being a personal attack on a person. So be offensive and get defensive because the shit storm's-a brewin'.

5. Forum regulars are all arrogant trolls out to make you feel bad. This is, of course, related to above. When the experienced and worldly writers of dA try and tell you something, you must respond by calling them names. Then blocking them. Bonus points for threatening to report them or implying they suck at life and ending your sentence with a smiley face.

6. The best way to be a successful writer is to follow trends. Not current trends, mind you, dead trends. Find something that is at least six years old (Twilight, Naruto, The Walking Dead) but you are still obsessed with/just discovered and rewrite it. Bonus points if the setting is psuedo-japanese. The other trends you must be aware of are hate trends. Keep up to date with whatever ancient shit people are still bitching about (Twilight, Naruto, The Walking Dead) and make a point to complain about it whenever possible.

7. Expect feedback. Expect in-depth criticism and review. Expect to be given a "How To Not Write Crap in Ten Easy Steps" manual every time you upload something to dA. You are entitled to help from strangers on the Internet. That help should also be printed clouds, wrapped in rainbows and delivered by unicorns just so it makes you feel extra special good. But YOU don't have to give anyone feedback. You're far too busy wondering why your comments are late to read somebody else's work and comment.

And finally, the most important lesson of all that dA can teach an aspiring writer:

8. Don't write short stories. Don't even write novels. Only plan to write series - three books AT LEAST! Put them up on dA one chapter at a time and submit those chapters to every critique request thread and group you can find. This is both quick and easy because chapters only need to be about two hundred words long. And if, while writing one series, you happen to think of something new just abandon that project and start a new series. Finishing stuff never did anyone any good, anyway.

Soap Box: A Christian in Support of Gay Marriage

I'm going to do something I almost never do. I'm going to talk about Religion. More specifically, I am going to talk about my religious beliefs.

I am a Christian. I am an all believing, all praying, church going, God worshipping 100% pure Angus Beef Christian.

And I support gay marriage.

I'm doing this because I feel like I'm in something of a minority and this pro-gay marriage Christian view isn't being heard as loud as it should be.

The biggest obstacle any Christian faces is that some scripture reads a lot like it is forbidding gay marriage. Some scripture seems to come out in plane and simple English and say that homosexuality, or at the very narrowest interpretation homosexual sex between men, is a sin. That is to say it is against the law of God. But there's a problem with that. The bible wasn't written in English, it's been translated that way. And where SOME bibles have been translated to name homosexuality, others have not. Now I won't go too much into this because I am not a bible scholar by any stretch of the imagination. Still, obviously if we've got different translations then the original scripture wasn't so cut and dry and one has to start thinking. I certainly did.

And I did what all Christians should do if they're not sure what to do with the scripture in front of them. I did some research, I did some reading and I did some praying. And in all that time, nothing convinced me that an anti-homosexual interpretation of the bible is the only valid interpretation. The truth just isn't so black and white.

But that's not what I want to talk about. Because “I'm just not sure” isn't a helpful answer. There's also the possibility that I'm wrong. What I'm talking about here is two directly opposed readings of the Bible and in circumstances like this, somebody has to be wrong.

It's important things to remember here that marriage existed before the Church. Marriage exists outside the Church. Christianity in all its forms does not hold either a copyright or a monopoly on marriage. I can't imagine many homosexuals want to get married in a Church that doesn't approve of them, anyway. What they want is legal recognition of their relationship, just like all the heterosexual relationships want. They want the same rights and privileges we get.

But that's not what I want to talk about. The politics of this debate are lengthy and mostly very stupid. So I won't go into that now.

What I do want to do is talk about what I am sure about. This is what I think Christian scripture makes undeniably clear again and again and again.

It is not my place, my duty or even my right to judge. I have no business telling homosexuals that they are sinning and going to hell. I have no authority to tell them that they are in the wrong and that their way of life is damaging to the world.

If God does not want to recognise a gay marriage, He won't. Just because a gay couple have a legal marriage or even if they got married in a church God is under no obligation to accept their marriage as valid. God can do that because He's God. God is a big boy and as much as He appreciates your efforts, in the end, He'll do what He wants and He can take care of Himself.

If I am standing in the way of two people expressing their love then I am at fault. How much more obvious could Christ have made it to us that we must be loving and compassionate? How is the hatred and anger Christians have shown to the LGBT community in line with what Christ taught? How do you love someone while condemning them? How is telling them they are an abomination showing compassion? That's not even tough love. That's just being an ass hole.

Christians are called upon to make more Christians. Sometimes it seems like we forgot that we don't need to breed to make more Christians. There are plenty of people out there who are not Christians. Some of them never will be. Some of them once were and stopped. Some haven't had the chance yet. Some of them want to be but don't know how. God has told us to try and save them. Now I could write a whole extra entry on how being an obnoxious, pushy, holier-than-thou fuckwit is poor witnessing in the modern world. But I'm not going to do that. The point I want to make here is: God wants everyone to be saved and that includes the homosexual community. Do you really think any of them are going to come to God if you keep abusing them? Do you think any of them will want anything to do with God if you can't be nice to them? Or would they much rather hear about Christ if you're an open, friendly, accepting and generous person because of your faith? We must not just believe, we must practice.

I don't believe homosexuality is a sin. Nobody has convinced me that this is God's teaching. But even if I'm wrong, it doesn't matter. Because the treatment of the gay community and denying them the right to a marriage is not what Christ has taught us. I have gay friends in a relationship and I can see, just looking at them, that they understand love more than some Christians seem to. It would be tragic if it wasn't so beautiful.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have something far less controversial to write.

EDIT: I felt that this needed a conclusion. It's a tricky topic and I think it's too important to leave it without being 100% clear. A Christian's first and foremost duty is serving God. God has made it clear how we serve him and what he expects us to do. We have guides for our behaviour.

Marriage equality is not a threat to you, it is not a threat to God, it is not a threat to Christianity. Nobody is trying to change the Christian definition of marriage (we're still assuming the traditional, conservative reading is the only valid reading) and nobody is trying to force Christianity to be something it is not or do something it does not want. We are not under attack by people who want the freedom to express love for each other.

By standing in the way of marriage equality, you are hurting people. Even if hurting people achieved a righteous end, morality is not subjective. If you do wrong to achieve good, you have still done wrong and that goes on your record. But hurting people by stopping marriage equality does not serve any righteous end. Even if homosexuality is a sin, by not allowing homosexuals to have legally recognised marriages, you are not stopping them from being homosexual. By hurting them you drive them away from Christ. You are Christ's ambassadors and don't ever forget it.